Equanimity and striking out at dating…

Maintaining equanimity is really hard, especially equanimity about of anything of importance. I’ve learned that equanimity is easier to maintain when there is uncertainity about outcomes. Once outcomes are known, it’s hard to remain equally in that same state of being just as happy as if the outcome had been the reverse. It must be something about how the brain is wired at a low level.

Having struck out, now I need to decide if I should keep with my current strategy or modify it. I guess since my last strike out was with a match.com date, I can keep with my strategy of not touching online dating with a ten foot pole.

Evaluating my worth in the marriage market (or the long term relationship market) is tricker– does a strike out indicate I’m over priced (trying to date girls that I have no chance with, those with more charisma, wealth, life accomplishments, fewer social resume blemishes, better health and education) or if I’m just unlucky.

Also at this point one starts to think about fixes, fixes to ones social resume, etc. Fixes take time and it’s hard to say which ones are going to count in the end. And of course, wondering where things went wrong. It’s a narrow edge between wondering where I was tactless and unkind and what is wrong with me and still hard yet to decide if I actually did nothing wrong and was merely in the wrong place at the wrong time.

What ever the case, I’m going to try to switch to the theory that people fall in love because they are thrown together with someone and just happen to spend a lot of time together. This eliminates all girls that don’t get out of the house on a regular basis and don’t go somewhere where they can be found on a regular basis.

Also a quick C.T. review

1. Am I filtering?

My last strike gained me two dates with a charming lady. That’s better than 0.

2. Am I polarizing my thinking?

My behavior was mixed–I probably was both socially clumsy but capable enough to go on two dates.

3. Am I overgeneralizing?

This strike out probably is a poor predictor of my success in future attempts to form relationships.

4. Am I mind reading?

I have extremely limited informaton on the lady was trying to date, so her true motives are truely mysterious.

5. Catastrophizing

This isn’t the worst thing in the world. The worst thing in world would be if I was dying face down in the gutter without a friend in the world, and without satallite radio or even high speed interent access.

6. Am I magnifying?

Dating is a numbers game, a strike out is meaningless unless you live on an island with only a few girls.

7. Am I personalizing?

She didn’t have enough time to get to know me, so she’s mostly reacting to who she suspects I am. I’m not evil. She might have some other very good reason for not wanting to get involved with anyone at the moment, not just myself.
8. Am I thinking in terms of shoulds?

No girl has to be my friend, they are all free agents and limited time available for socializing. I am what I am and I can’t expect myself to do what I think I should do, because thinking I should be more charismatic is arbitrary as thinking I should be able to fly.

Oh well, chapter over, man do I regret every signing up for match.com. Cognative principles be damned, no one should ever sign up for match.com.

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